Clark | Definitely Opinions

Dolittle Review

Dolittle felt a lot like an animated kids movie, and not in a good way. The pacing, humor, and characters might as well have been drawn up by Illumination in Despicable Me 4: Let’s Go to the Zoo. Dolittle is 70% animated, anyway, featuring a cast of Minions-like computer-generated animals. The animals are by far the worst thing about the movie. They look terrible, for starters. Every time an animal jumped, it looked weightless and cheap. And the animals never shut up. They’re constantly bickering and screaming and spouting one-liners in a poor attempt to entertain you by sheer overload. What’s even more annoying is that none of the voices match the characters. This is celebrity voice casting gone amok. Selena Gomez, John Cena, and Rami Malek should have sat this one out.

This really leaves Robert Downey Jr. to carry the bulk of the movie. I love Downey as much as anyone else, but he’s not good in this. Part of the problem is that he’s doing an accent that makes it hard to understand anything he’s saying. It reminded me of Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean, where incoherent mumbling was often used in place of being genuinely quirky and eccentric. The other problem is that we don’t have any reason to care about Dolittle as a person. He’s immediately thrust into an adventure where he basically plays the conductor in a noisy orchestra. The journey takes him to some interesting places, but the challenges they face are so effortlessly overcome that there’s no tension. Instead, you get fart jokes and screaming squirrels. God, there’s so much screaming…

DeathSpank: Thongs Of Virtue Review

I first tried DeathSpank years ago and gave up on it early on, because the advertised humor and co-op gameplay were not that great. Player 2 plays a very limited role, and it felt like the majority of the humor boiled down to, “His name’s DeathSpank! Isn’t that funny? He wears a thong! Ha, ha, ha!” But after giving the game another try as a single-player experience, I grew to really like it. The joke writing improves a lot the further you get into the game, and the action RPG mechanics remain fun and engaging throughout. So of course I immediately jumped into the Thongs of Virtue sequel after beating the first game. Alas, the sequel is not as good, but I still liked it enough to play ’til the end.

The main problem with Thongs of Virtue is that it simply tries to do too much. Where DeathSpank 1 excelled at being a riff on the fantasy genre, DeathSpank 2 lampoons everything. It’s got World War II soldiers, pirates, robots, old Western saloons, space aliens, and Santa’s reindeer. I understand wanting to go all out for a sequel, but the downside is that there’s no unifying theme. It’s just a bunch of random ideas all thrown in the same pot. Because of this hodgepodge of themes, there’s a bigger variety of items and weapons. Unfortunately, they fill up your inventory super fast. Inventory management wasn’t a big deal in DeathSpank 1, but it’ll consume a lot of your time in the sequel.

The sequel is also harder in general, especially in the first few areas. Coming straight from the first game, the difficulty spike is somewhat welcome. However, what makes the game harder is that too many enemies have long-range weapons. I was getting really frustrated trying to escape from every other flamethrower, machine gun, or bow and arrow. It wasn’t until I found a decent long-range weapon myself in the form of a raygun that the difficulty leveled out, and I started really enjoying the latter half of the game. So yes, there’s still plenty of fun to be had in this DeathSpank sequel. But the entry price for said fun requires you to have a love for the first game and a willingness to tough out a somewhat annoying opening act.

The Mandalorian – Season 1 Review

The Mandalorian is the kind of stuff I was hoping we would see once Disney took over the Star Wars license. It’s a refreshing contrast to the big, bombastic sequels that have been plaguing the movie scene. The stakes are smaller, there’s not a Skywalker or Solo in sight, and the word “Jedi” is only mentioned once. It does a great job of living in the Star Wars universe without falling back on “remember moments.” Though to be fair, there’s still a lot of fan service in the form of familiar-looking droids and creatures, including the ever-present, Yoda-like baby. There’s no denying said baby’s cuteness, and I’m sure we’re gonna be inundated with Baby Yoda merchandise in 2020.

The first three episodes of the season are really fun and engaging, but the middle three episodes hit a significant lull when things devolve into “job of the week” material (or as I like to call it, Jabba the Week). That’s not to say a Star Wars show can’t be episodic, but in doing so, Baby Yoda’s inclusion felt very gimmicky, and the story elements set up earlier came to a screeching halt. Fortunately, the last two episodes put the story back on track and end on a high note. I’m definitely interested in where Season 2 plans to go… assuming there is a plan. If Disney plays it right, The Mandalorian could be their best Star Wars effort. But considering the hit-and-miss reception of their big screen endeavors, I’m cautious.

Spyro Reignited Trilogy Review

Spyro was one of those franchises I missed out on due to being a Nintendo fanboy. I had listened to the games’ soundtracks a lot, though, so a big part of the enjoyment I got out of this Reignited Trilogy was experiencing the music in its original context. Spyro has some awesome music, by the way. I don’t know if anything else about Spyro would be considered as timeless, so the full-blown remake of these games is entirely justified. But wow, they really went all out. The Reignited Trilogy looks and controls great, as great as any other modern 3D platformer. I frequently forgot I was playing what is technically a PS1 game.

The novelty of a spit-polished Spyro does wear off, though, when you start to realize that the gameplay between all three titles doesn’t really change much. Spyro 1 was perhaps the most fun, simply because it was my first official introduction to the franchise. Spyro 1 is also the most streamlined, being a straight-up platformer with few to no gimmicks. Spyro 2 is where things start to crumble, as the franchise tried to pull a Banjo-Kazooie and introduced a lot of unnecessary and borderline aggravating mini-games. Spyro 3 doubles down on the gimmicks but is more enjoyable than Spyro 2 overall.

Frankly, this trilogy might have been too much all at once. I could see Spyro being loads of fun if you had 1-2 years in between games. Getting all three in a bundle means you can finish one and immediately jump into the next without missing a beat. Because the gameplay is so samey, though, the levels start to blend together, and the “you picked up a gem” sound effect becomes super grating. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved my time with these games and consider this one of the best things to come out of 2019. If anything, it’s my own fault for rushing through the games as quickly as I did. But it’s hard to have any restraint when a company gives you such a well-crafted remake.

Peep Show – Season 9 Review

I forgot how much I love this show. I’ve watched the entire series (minus Season 9) at least three times through now. There was a fairly long hiatus between Seasons 8 and 9, though, which may be why I didn’t think Season 9 was all that great when it first aired. But I’ve gained a better appreciation for it after recently re-watching it. What originally threw me off more than anything was Jeremy’s bisexuality kind of coming out of nowhere. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, of course, but, fresh off the Dobby debacle, it was a very abrupt “revelation.” While it still felt that way on a second viewing, knowing that’s where his character was headed made it easier to sit back and enjoy the shenanigans. Like Mark, you just have to say, “So this is a thing now, is it?” and carry on.

Mark brings with him his own problems in Season 9, though. Sure, he was never a saint to begin with, but he starts to act on his worst impulses more than you would expect. He literally kicks an otherwise good roommate out and maliciously attempts to break up a marriage so he can swoop in and take over as the new boyfriend. These things do come back to bite him in the ass, though. Thus, balance is restored in the Peep Show universe. This isn’t a finale meant to shake things up. The show ends pretty much where it began, meaning you could immediately restart with Season 1 and feel right at home. As Mark so eloquently puts it, “Butter the toast. Eat the toast. Shit the toast. God, life’s relentless.” Well, that’s one more Peep Show quote that’s gonna roll around in my head for years now.

Tales of Symphonia Review

Once again, Steam has swooped in to provide a way for me to experience classic games I missed out on years ago. The downside to these re-releases is that some of the mechanics definitely feel dated. For instance, the real-time battle system of Symphonia, while way more engaging than your usual turn-based fare, veers on the clunkier side. It takes several hours to get used to and good at it. Unfortunately, the first several hours of battling also comprise some of the harder boss fights. It isn’t until your party gets a competent healer that battles start to feel even remotely fair. I came close to giving up many times, because over-relying on healing items seemed like an inefficient strategy going into a 40-hour long RPG.

But then the character, Raine, learns some kickass healing spells, and all’s right in the world again. Well, in Tales of Symphonia, nothing’s really right in the world. This is one of those RPGs where the story’s constantly blowing up with twists and double-crosses. It’s weird, because the first third of the game focuses on how important Colette is, but she becomes a total non-character after a while. Symphonia suffers from too many characters who stop serving a purpose early on and then become dead weight. I was actually getting annoyed by the game continually setting up what felt like an ending only to introduce more characters and more towns and more dungeons. Symphonia certainly wears out its welcome, but I still had fun with it for the most part.